Self Reliance Vs. Self Dependency
Have I become the people that hurt me?
Everyone has been plagued by hurt at one time or many times. But I'm here to show you how to become emotionally self-reliant and to no longer be emotionally dependent.
First I want to ask you do any one of these questions apply to you:
Are you looking for a romantic partner to make you happy?
If you have a partner, do you look to this person for love, for sex, for support, for reassurance, for validation?
Are you upset if your partner doesn’t react in a certain way, doesn’t meet a need?
When you’re alone, do you feel the need to fill the loneliness void with distraction?
Are you always on your phone when you’re alone?
Do you complain a lot about other people? Get mad because of things they do?
Is your relationship the center of your universe?
What about your relationship with friends or your kids?
Do you get bothered if your partner does something that doesn’t include you, or cuts out something that you’ve been doing together?
Do you need to be acknowledged for certain things that you do?
Usually this way of thinking starts in childhood. We rely on our parents for our emotional needs — love, comfort, support, validation, etc. And we don’t often develop emotional self-reliance skills as kids, because parents (out of love for us) do their best to provide for all these needs.
Then we become adults, without having learned emotional self-reliance. And so we look for someone else to fill our emotional needs. We look for the perfect partner, and will probably go through a few breakups, because 1) we’re not emotionally independent, and so we do needy things that hurt a relationship, and 2) our partner is probably the same way.
If we’re ever hurt, we blame the other person for hurting us. If they aren’t there for us, we blame them. If something bad happens to us, we become victims, because you can’t move on with your life if someone has done something bad to you, right?
However, there is a solution.
We have to learn this: Happiness is not outside ourselves.
Here's some example to practice while on your journey to self-reliance:
Sit by yourself, without a device or distraction, for a few minutes. Look inside of you. Notice your thoughts as they come up. Get to know your mind. See how fascinating it is. This in itself is an endless source of learning of oneself.
One of my sources of happiness is creating, coming up with ideas, producing something, and later presenting it to a group of friends or family. This gives me happiness, and a sense of accomplishment.
Learn to fix your own problems and not complain. If you complain, have a solution. If you are bored, try to fix it or at least try.
If you are lonely or hurt, comfort yourself. It's easier to comfort others and harder to confront our own hurt.
If you lack attention or feeling love, don’t hope that someone will reassure you … reassure yourself.
Take responsibility. If you find yourself blaming others, tell yourself that the other person is never the problem. Of course, it's easier to believe that the other person is the problem, but then you are reliant on them for the solution. If you believe that they aren’t the problem, then you look inside yourself for the solution.
If you find yourself complaining, instead find a way to be grateful for the simple things.
If you find yourself being needy, instead find a way to give.
If you find yourself wanting someone to help you, take the first step at helping yourself.
Create your own source of built-in happiness. Walk around as a whole, happy person, needing nothing as you have already provided the sources of love, attention, and the ability to pick yourself up when in a slump.
Remember: Practice Makes Perfect!
Connect with Shyreeta:
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Photo Credit: Rich Cruse